Our generation has the benefit of a great deal of information about child development that simply wasn't known to our parents. Most regular parenting techniques count on a foundation of trust and an ability to comprehend cause and effect. Typically these are not traits that our adopted kids possess, so to be fair to them, they need a whole different approach! Their challenges include: 1) high levels of stress chemicals in their brains which shuts down the ability to comprehend cause and effect, as shown by current research and, 2) their experience has created a lack of trust that caregivers will be there for them.
Learn how turning your perspective on parenting 180 degrees can turn around a difficult situation rapidly as well as begin the healing process for your child. It is both simple and challenging.
The main format of counseling will be using the relational parenting strategy as presented by the Beyond Consequences Institute. Simply put this means using a loving, calm, regulated, non fear-based parenting relationship with your child. My job as a therapist is to learn about your family and to help you as parents become the healers of your child's trauma so that your child's behavior changes at the core, not just the surface. With this in mind I generally meet more with the parents than the child. When I do work with the child it will almost always include one or more parent in the session. You, as your child's parent, are the most powerful force for change.
To get a better understanding of this style of parenting please read the short article on Relational Parenting.
The following paragraphs are possible adjunctive therapies I can also use to help you.
Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP)
This therapy works best with older children and their families. Daniel Hughes, PhD, a therapist who has worked many years with adopted and foster kids developed a relationship oriented family therapy. He has also authored a number of books. The emphasis of DDP is on relationship building to decrease stress and develop attachment. I was fortunate enough to take a small group 8 day training with Dr. Hughes to learn DDP.
Storytelling (Narrative) Therapy with Bilateral Stimulation
A big name for a simple strategy! This therapy is about retelling your child’s birth story as if s/he were your biological child. You tell the story with your child sitting between alternating quiet sounds; activating the left hemisphere of your child’s brain, then the right side, over and over as you tell the story. This integrates and helps create a new memory and a strong sense of self. Your child will have two stories: his real story and his make-believe story. We may think it strange to have two stories but it works for kids, especially younger kids.
A great anecdote is of the 11 year old child who was told in her story that her mom bought a special stuffed animal when she found out she was ‘pregnant’. That night the mom purchased a stuffed animal that resembled the one in the story. She secretly put it on her child’s bed and later the child came running in to her mom and asked if this was the animal she bought when she found out she was pregnant with her! She slept with it that night!! This story reveals the power of a child’s imagination and how we can use it to help heal them.
Play Therapy
For evaluating young kids and when needed for therapeutic work I use a flexible form of play therapy created uniquely for each child’s needs. One example of a play technique: when a child is too shy to talk I use a puppet that she likes. I ask a question and ask her to whisper her answer in the puppet’s ear. Then I have the child speak for the puppet telling me what the child said. In this way we use the puppet as a go between for our conversation! Parents are always present and often are participants in the play.
Are you ready for success? I would love to talk to you. I offer a free 30 minute phone consult. Give me a call at 408-891-7904 or email at junemikkelsen@gmail.com
