Creating a Family Identity Seminar
Created and Presented by June Mikkelsen, LMFT
Write- up by Roxane Baxter, FRUA NorCal Education Chair for newsletter
We had an enthusiastic turnout for our October 14 “Creating a Family Identity Seminar”, comprised of parents in the process of adopting, and parents of kids ranging in age from elementary school through high school.
Children who have spent time in an orphanage may have either: 1) no idea of the role of parents and what a family is, or 2) a very dysfunctional perception of parents and family. Creating a sense of healthy family identity is critical for a solid attachment between parents and children.
Our teacher, June Mikkelsen (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist), brought lots of props including a quilt, jewelry, craft materials and a family tree. June discussed how to build the concept of family through: 1) emphasizing similarities among family members, 2) media, 3) jewelry & clothing, 4) rituals & traditions, 5) family quilt, 6) pictures, and 7) books. She provided great examples of how using these techniques can engage our children’s senses, which is important because the senses (sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste) involve parts of the brain that are easy to access.
Similarities
June used the analogy of a tree in describing how children need both roots (their birth family) and branches (us) as a foundation for their identity. You can transplant a tree (through adoption) but you can’t cut off the roots! The birth family is always a part of your child’s “family”, despite how little or how much information is known. Pointing out similarities with birth parents (“I wonder if you get your curly hair from your birth dad?”), promotes development of a strong ego and identity. Pointing out similarities with us (“You have curly hair like me.”) promotes a sense of belonging within our family.
One parent asked about the down-side of discussing similarities with birth families, particularly for adolescents who may be thinking that, if they share similarities with their birth parents, they are doomed to travel down the same path of poor choices, addiction, etc. June shared a script that could be used in such a conversation: “You may have some traits of your birth mom, but you come from two people, and you are a unique individual. You are different from your birth family, and you live in a different culture, with very different life experiences which allows you to make much better choices than your birth family.”
Media
It is very important to expose your children to images of parents interacting in a loving, functional way with each other and with their children. Avoid movies that show parents as: inept, absent, or disrespected. Avoid movies that show kids as: independent and solving adult problems on their own. Examples of good programs are: Little Bear, Franklin, Rollie Pollie Ollie, 7th Heaven, The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie. Disney movies tend to have lots of dead mothers and kids-in-peril, so avoid these until your kids are older and feel both safe and attached. Talk to your kids about what you see on TV and in movies – good, bad or otherwise. “Prime the pump” by initiating conversations about ethics, values, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol etc.
One caution: be careful about what media (including video games!) you introduce into your home, because exposure creates an appetite, and can be dys-regulating and addicting for some children.
Jewelry & Clothing
These can depict family in a concrete or abstract way. The point is for family members to have the same item, such as: rings, pins, bracelets, zipper pulls, necklaces, or clothing with silk-screened family photos. For jewelry, consider items with birthstones or charms of all family members. Think about creating a family logo, and having a family color. Let your imagination be your guide! Good sources of supplies are: Michaels, Mervyns, Wal-Mart, bead shops, catalogues, and the internet.
Rituals & Traditions
Rituals and traditions can be simple everyday events or special activities for a special occasion. Repetition is important, as it provides children with a sense of permanence and predictability. Here some examples:
One parent described her tradition where she makes a Christmas ornament for each child every year, and tells her children how they will do the same thing with their children some day. June described a family ceremony with an exchange of rings.
Good books for creating your own family rituals / traditions are:
Family Quilt
Even those of us don’t sew can create a family quilt! June showed us a lovely quilt she created from a ready-made quilt (which you can purchase from a place like Ross or Marshalls), onto which she attached appliqués (these can be sew-on, or iron-on), fabric paints, needlepoint, etc. You can print photos from your computer onto special iron-on paper which can be bonded to the quilt. Each family member can be represented by a section on the quilt. Include their favorite activities, birth date, photo, etc. Stores such as Michaels, Wal-Mart, and Joann Fabric have pre-cut quilt squares if you are interested in sewing one from scratch. For children, there are even pre-cut / pre-punched quilt squares that can be tied together (no sewing involved).
Pictures
Ensure that you have happy family photos (collages, bulletin boards and scrapbooks) in your home showing family members engaged in family-identity-building activities. Make sure they are visible to your children every day. Articulate your family identity by creating a phrase that incorporates the favorite activities of each member, such as, “We Are the Hiking / Reading / Music Family”. Use captions on your photos, such as “Mom & Nick making cookies”, “Dad & Nick fishing”, and “Our Family - Together Forever”.
June showed us her “family tree” which was a beautiful table-top metal sculpture on which she had hung pictures of her family (this came from a store called Things Remembered). It’s important to start with pictures of the immediate family first, and then add extended family later (after your child understands the primacy of immediate family).
Books
Look for fun books about functional families that demonstrate: 1) what families do together, 2) how to communicate feelings, and 3) being loved no matter what. Some good examples are:
I hope you will consider using just one of these great ideas to strengthen your family’s identity. FRUA NorCal extends a big thank you to June for sharing her time and talents with us!
You can contact June at 408/891-7904 or junemikkelsen@gmail.com