There are many different therapy and parenting techniques for adopted children that have been developed through the years. Common wisdom about parenting adopted children involved methods like using consequences, punishment, timeouts, and various forms of behavior modification. As you will discover in this article these forms of parenting children with a history of chronic neglect and/or abuse (most adopted children) cause fear and stress in our adopted children, which often unintentionally creates the opposite outcome.

Recently, due to new technology, we have come to a science based knowledge of what is actually happening in our adopted children's brains and emotions. How does this new research help us as parents?  It has brought us HOPE in the form of  understanding!  During chronic early neglect and/or abuse our kids' brains are affected by hormones created by stress. This on-going stress can affect the higher functioning parts of the brain which control cause and effect thinking, logic, empathy, attachment and self regulation of emotions, as well as other factors, which in turn affects relationships, behavior and learning. Lucky for us, research also reveals that children's brains are very 'plastic' and can be changed by nurture and experience!

What does all this mean to you as a parent of an adopted child?  First of all it means that our kids are not acting out on purpose to annoy or manipulate us because they are naughty kids. It means that when their stress levels are high they don’t have the ability to make good decisions. They also have a hard time calming down once they get upset.

Secondly, it means that we have an awesome opportunity to help our children. Research has discovered that a calm person can help to calm a stressed person. By learning why our adopted children act out we can change our perspective. This understanding gives us the empathy and compassion to help keep us calm so we can calm them. Once they are calm they can access their higher reasoning brain and get back in relationship with us.

Haven’t you experienced a moment when you felt connected with your child and suddenly (it seems) they explode and you feel that you have lost that good emotional connection? It seems like they are a different kid?  Once they calm down you can feel the relationship again.

Relationship-based parenting puts the emphasis on the relationship not the behavior.  The relationship is used to help regulate our kids’ stress. As their stress decreases, their brains begin to function at a higher level and they are able to have a relationship.  Because of that relationship and calmness they will have the ability to attach to you. (Research shows that attachment can only occur when the brain is calm.)

Attachment, not punishment, timeouts, behavior modification or consequences, is the key to your child wanting to please you with good behavior.

Although stress is a big piece of the puzzle as to why our adopted kids act the way they do, the causes of their behavior are complex and affected by many other aspects.  These aspects will be discussed in a soon to be released article. Watch for it in the future!


Examples of Relationship-based Parenting

• Instead of time out when your child is misbehaving keep your child close to you (time-in) so your calmness can help to regulate her and build attachment.
• Make a list of activities that help to calm and soothe your child. Use these before your child has a 'meltdown'.
• Identify your child’s ‘breaking point’ and do what is needed to avoid it. That might mean putting off that last errand you want to do or making sure your child has a snack when you pick him up from school.
• Use a quiet, soothing voice when making requests or correcting your child. Try to never yell at your child. It will cause the stress reaction to kick in.
• It is pointless to try to explain to your child why you are upset with them until they are calm.  When they are upset and angry the reasoning part of the brain that would understand you is shut down.
• Show empathy and understanding through words when your child is out of control such as “Wow, you really wanted to go to ____.  I can understand why you would feel so angry that you can’t go.” Then sit calmly with your child until they calm down.
• Learn techniques that can help you stay calm in the midst of turmoil, i.e., breathing, quick bathroom break, a walk around the house, and remembering why your child is misbehaving, etc.
• Learn about your own past attachment history and how that affects your reactions to your children. Dan Siegel , PhD has great books, CD’s and DVD’s to help parents with this. It can also be important to work with a therapist since some sensitive issues may arise in your process.
• Remember that you are only human and this type of parenting is a continual learning process.  Making a repair (‘Sorry, I was really stressed about work yesterday when I yelled at you…” or “I didn’t understand how important that was to you…”) is a good way to cement your relationship and build trust.  Don’t be afraid to use this technique, even days later, when called for. 
• Know that fear based parenting techniques only increase the stress and decrease your ability to help your child.
• Most importantly, make your relationship with your child more important than your child’s behavior!

These are just some of the practical and powerful ideas available through my counseling approach which is focused specifically on your adoptive family. I would be delighted to hear about your unique situation and to see how I might help you and your child build a strong and lasting relationship.  I would like to see your deep love for your child reflected back to you in their actions and behavior! Don't wait! Call 408-891-7904 or email me at junemikkelsen@gmail.com for a free 30 minute consult.